Real Life: The Deepest Kind of Loss
As a school psychologist, I've grown familiar with being a first responder to crisis and grief. We are well versed in the stages of grief and have the resources at hand whenever there is a crisis. When the deepest kind of loss, the loss of a child, strikes at the heart of our school community, it is much more difficult to process.
Frankly, I'm at a loss...
This week, my long-time friend, and principal of our school, Maryanne and her husband, Brooks, lost their precious 8-year-old Wyatt, due to complications from newly diagnosed leukemia. He was suffering from flu like symptoms last week, transported to a regional hospital in Sacramento, and we heard there was a possible diagnosis of leukemia. Wyatt and his family were going to FIGHT this!!! They were gearing up and so strong. Then the unimaginable news filtered through the school, and on tearful phone calls, on Tuesday. Wyatt had just passed away.
I've known Maryanne since I started working at BCOE nearly 16 years ago. She was a teacher at our school and is now our principal. I remember plopping down in her office when the principal job at our school became available and "begging" her to consider taking it. We were thrilled when she did. Maryanne is a bright light to our school and programs. Her office is just a couple of doors from mine, and I always love to hear her vivacious laughter. She's that kind of person--warmth and kindness exude from her. Wyatt was like that too.
This is not the first time the family has dealt with loss. Brooks lost his first wife to leukemia. When he married Maryanne, she became a step-mom to his son, Shane. This family has already been touched by grief and loss. To now endure this, the loss of a child, is simply heartbreaking beyond words.
It goes against the natural order of life.
I wasn't planning to share this story, it's not mine to tell, though we are all grieving for our friends. I read one of Maryanne's posts on Facebook in which she told us to feel free to share as they need as much support "as there is in the universe to make peace with this loss".
Wyatt was a happy kid and a friend to all. People absolutely adored him. From wearing Dodger blue ribbons with his number 12 on them, to moments of silence at his team Little League game, to words of compassion written on butcher paper by classmates, Wyatt is being remembered. I know his parents are being comforted by hearing the stories of how Wyatt navigated his world. Friends of Brooks and Maryanne have also started a Go Fund Me campaign to "Build a Buddy Bench" at his Sierra View School to memorialize this wonderful boy, wise beyond his years, in a way that will be a gift to others. Even in grief for the deepest kind of loss, this family is thinking of others. Their strength is absolutely inspiring.
I reached out to Maryanne to see if she would mind my sharing their story and the Go Fund Me link with my wonderful blog readers. She thanked me and sent me a big red heart. I only wish I could do more at this time. Please, from wherever you are today, I would appreciate a thought or a prayer for our friends, Maryanne, Brooks and Shane, as they navigate this new phase of life. Wishing them peace.
Hug your family today.
Life is so precious.
xx
Update: Maryanne has started a very moving blog, Salt Water Tides.
A Spring Picnic on Table Mountain
This is more of an afternoon date than date night, but I’ll have to make an exception this time. Scott and I headed up to Table Mountain in Oroville last weekend to view the wildflowers.
This is more of an afternoon date than date night, but I'll have to make an exception this time. Scott and I headed up to Table Mountain in Oroville last weekend to view the wildflowers.
I commute to Oroville for work so I see the big "O" on the side of Table Mountain every day. It is aptly named after a table because it is unusually flat for a mountain. You'll see.
We took the winding roads up the mountain, past the greenest hillsides I've seen in California in a very long time.
Lake Oroville is completely full. What a beautiful sight! I wonder if my friend Trish and her husband are out on their houseboat like most weekends.
Finally we arrive on the top of Table Mountain.
The flowers are blooming! These families were having such a wonderful time. I remember being fascinated with kites. My parents bought me a shiny mylar kite with a very long tail. After seeing these beauties all afternoon I realize I still am a fan.
There's my date, checking out the views.
We finally settle in for our picnic with my stylish basket created by my sister, Dorie. This was a spontaneous date so we grabbed the basket--filled with silverware, plates, napkins and wine glasses -- and picked up some of our favorite healthy vegetable bowls from T-Bar on our way out of town.
A comfy blanket, a basket of goodies, a great read, a splash of chilled rose, and a great date makes the perfect springtime afternoon.
The Fine Art of Romance (His+Her Perspective)
For me, romance is not the sweeping gesture, the dripping of diamonds or the elaborate gifts. For me, time spent enjoying my loved one [Scott] and creating memories is the fine art of romance. I also love a hand-written sentiment, as Scott and I shared in
For me, time spent enjoying my loved one [Scott] and creating memories is the fine art of romance. I also love a hand-written sentiment, as Scott and I shared several years ago.
If I have my choice, travel is my go to for celebration or creating some romance.
The Fine Art of Romance
Is there such a thing? I imagine romance is a bit different for each of us.
What does it mean to you?
For me, romance is not the sweeping gesture, the dripping of diamonds or the elaborate gifts. For me, time spent enjoying my loved one [Scott] and creating memories is the fine art of romance. I also love a hand-written sentiment, as Scott and I shared in
For me, time spent enjoying my loved one [Scott] and creating memories is the fine art of romance. I also love a hand-written sentiment, as Scott and I shared in this post from several years ago.
If I have my choice, travel is my go to for celebration or creating some romance.
Unfortunately, not this year.
Scott and I had planned to be on our winter vacation for Valentine's Day this year. Perfect timing to be on a tropical getaway, or so we thought.
As with many things in life, when plans change, we come up with Plan B.
Disappointed...yes, discouraged...no!
We are figuring out how to bring some romance home this year.
As Scott continues dealing with ongoing back pain, we are finding different ways to create some romance around the house. It might be a soak in the tub or our re-discovered outdoor spa. It may be a whirl around the globe over steaming mugs of coffee, plotting our next travel adventures. Or it may be soaking up the unusually warm weather we are having here in California this week by dining on the patio. It will be savoring the fragrance of the first of the season tuberoses Scott found at Trader Joe's (my favorites) and there will be some moments of gratitude. Not for what we don't have this year, but for what we do have. Romance is not just about a day. It's more about how we live our lives, don't you think? I've shared some thoughts on how to keep the spark alive and tips for getting the 'sexy back' in previous posts.
I asked Scott what romance means to him this year and he decided to write it down:
From Scott: I suppose there is not a clear distinction between romantic and loving, so I'll blend them. The last four months have included my shoulder surgery, a wonderful, quick trip to San Francisco to celebrate Christmas with "the girls" (my three daughters), a rather severe back injury with another potential surgery (me, again), and the canceled tropical getaway. Through all of these ups and downs, mostly downs, Heather has really "been there". She was tearful just before my shoulder surgery (worried wife). She took me for a walk in the park when I got cabin fever. She was generous, loving with my family. She has clearly felt my pain with me, she has gotten up in the middle of the night when I was in angry agony over the back pain, and she has been patient when my pain and frustration resulted in less-than-appreciative behavior on my part. Together, we have continued to find reasons to laugh intensely, and she has remained kind, hopeful, adventurous, sexy and romantic. What is romantic to me? A woman who shows me this love when I'm far from my best. I hope my gratitude and plans for more future romantic getaways are enough for her to feel romanced this Valentine's Day. - Scott
Following a short escape to wine country early in the week, we are happy to be home on Valentine's Day. Scott ordered up a gourmet carry-out dinner from Bacio Catering here in Chico. Since I have been handling the load of shopping and cooking for the last few months, this is the perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day without the hassle. I love the thoughtfulness of his gift and I'm looking forward to a gourmet dinner at home that I don't have to cook. ;)
What is the fine art of romance to you?
A Bittersweet Season and a Cure for the Holiday Blues
With all the hustle and bustle, merrymaking and cheer, I can't help but remember that this season can be a bittersweet time for many of us. As time marches on, most of us experience loss, heartbreak and bittersweet moments, all made more pronounced by the 'Joy to the World' surrounding us during the holidays. There are loved ones we have lost through death or distance- lost loves, lost lives, lost homes, lost pets; and the broken hearts and dashed hopes of living life.
I know, it's not exactly cheery, but it is a very real part of life.
A Cure for the Holiday Blues
With all the hustle and bustle, merrymaking and cheer, I can't help but remember that this season can be a bittersweet time for many of us. As time marches on, most of us experience loss, heartbreak and bittersweet moments, all made more pronounced by the 'Joy to the World' surrounding us during the holidays. There are loved ones we have lost through death or distance- lost loves, lost lives, lost homes, lost pets; and the broken hearts and dashed hopes of living life.
I know, it's not exactly cheery, but it is a very real part of life.
I know my own holidays of years past have included a divorce, 2 miscarriages and the loss of my dear dad nearly 4 years ago. There is nothing like spending a holiday season in the hospital with a loved one who has just received a terminal diagnosis, to break your heart into a million pieces. I remember getting coffee at Starbucks, on a brief break from the hospital that Christmas. I was stunned at how life beyond the hospital could be moving on, so merrily, while my family was in complete crisis and heartbreak, praying for a miracle. That said, there is nothing like a crisis in your life to build compassion for others experiencing heartbreak this season.
If you, like me, find yourself having those painful, bittersweet moments or just the blues during the holidays please remember:
Take care of yourself
Whether it's a special treat, a warm bath, a massage, a brisk walk in the chill air or a bouquet of fresh flowers, self-care is the most important antidote for surviving the holiday blues.
Reach out to the open arms of friends and family who care.
If your family is far away, create your own kind of family this season with new traditions. Heartwarming movies, or funny movies, are always a mood booster. I double dog dare you to cry with sadness during the movie, "A Christmas Story".
A Christmas Story (Full-Screen Edition)
Reach out to someone else who is lonely or in need.
Doing something good for someone is always my best 'feel good' advice.
Look to the Future
As dark as times may be right now, there are bound to be brighter, more peaceful, days ahead. If you are feeling discouraged and lonely, you never know what can happen 'around the next corner' to change everything about the way you are feeling. Looking towards adventure is always a way to keep us focused on the next chapter, so have hope.
*I know this for a fact, my most recent "have hope" story happens to be about finding true love...at 82 years of age. I mean it~anything can happen~anytime-so never, ever give up hope for fabulous curve ball in your future.
(*The 'have hope' love story--here it is)
If you happen to see a crazy driver, or a person dabbing away a tear at your local coffee-house, be patient.
If you are needing a cure for the holiday blues, reach out to do something for someone else.
You are not alone, this time of year is bittersweet for so many of us.
Be of good cheer,
Date Night: 15th Wedding Anniversary and a Sparkling Surprise!
Our 15th wedding anniversary started as a typical day around the house. A quick kiss for luck and we were off to work. Scott and I had celebrated our 15th a bit early with a swanky summer vacation to Riviera Maya, so we wanted to keep the actual day of our anniversary, September 10th, more low key.
15th Wedding Anniversary
Our 15th wedding anniversary started as a typical day around the house. A quick kiss for luck and we were off to work. Scott and I had celebrated our 15th a bit early with a swanky summer vacation to Riviera Maya, so we wanted to keep the actual day of our anniversary, September 10th, more low key.
Gifts were readied and wrapped....
we enjoyed a private toast...
and we were off to one of our favorite restaurants in town, Red Tavern, for dinner on the patio.
It was a warm evening and we had the patio all to ourselves.
We dined on a delicious meal, a special celebratory dessert,
and it was time to open gifts.
I created a book of our wedding photos for Scott.
We've had a book of proofs for 15 years but never a true wedding album.
Scott bought me a sparkling anniversary band. I knew that he had a ring in mind for me and he asked me to help pick it out.
I didn't expect that he would get down on one knee--for the first time--and propose another 15 years and a lifetime of marriage.
Be still my heart...
Every time I see the sparkle of these diamonds I am reminded of our commitment and the hard work it took to make it these 15 years. Believe me, those first few years--as a new step-family--we were not so sure we would be celebrating 15 years of marriage down the road.
Our day may have started like a typical day but it ended with a sweet celebration,
new memories and a surprise proposal.
In the end, our 15th wedding anniversary was not a typical day at all...
As those of us who are married know for sure--it's not always easy.
It is worth the effort and definitely worthy of celebration.
I'd do it all over again....
Our thanks to Rich (owner) and Deanna at Red Tavern for making our anniversary evening even more special.
The Story of How We Met (+ a walk down memory lane in San Francisco)
The last thing I wanted to do that breezy fall day, back in 1997, was attend an early mental health conference in South San Francisco. I was going through a difficult time in life, a drawn out divorce, and I barely had the energy to make it to work as a school psychologist, much less pull off the professional thing at a conference an hour away. I remember getting stuck in traffic and feeling like a hot mess when I finally arrived at the San Francisco Airport Marriott Waterfront in South San Francisco. I thought I could finally relax, then I learned a colleague was intent on introducing me to the chairman of the conference before the session began. UGH!!!! I protested and started to walk away, until he caught my eye. His smile, and that twinkle in his eyes, were electric. I must have lit up, too, though it had been awhile since I had felt lit up in any way.
The last thing I wanted to do that breezy fall day, back in 1997, was attend an early mental health conference in South San Francisco. I was going through a difficult time in life, a drawn out divorce, and I barely had the energy to make it to work as a school psychologist, much less pull off the professional thing at a conference an hour away. I remember getting stuck in traffic and feeling like a hot mess when I finally arrived at the San Francisco Airport Marriott Waterfront in South San Francisco. I thought I could finally relax, then I learned a colleague was intent on introducing me to the chairman of the conference before the session began. UGH!!!! I protested and started to walk away, until he caught my eye. His smile, and that twinkle in his eyes, were electric. I must have lit up, too, though it had been awhile since I had felt lit up in any way.
That evening a group of us walked down the waterfront to dinner at the Elephant Bar. Halfway through my chopped salad, I spotted the chairman, his name was Scott. He made a beeline to our table, with that bright smile, and didn't break eye contact with me--not even once. He warmly greeted the entire group, some who he already knew from previous conferences, but he made me feel like I was the only one there. As the evening faded, the two of us ended up in the hotel lounge, talking late into the night. I remember it being the most authentic conversation I had ever had with a man. We shared some 'jagged edge' feelings of our individual lives but also hopes for satisfying relationships in the future. We had a connection, it was undeniable... and that's where it ended. We said goodbye and didn't speak again, for an entire year.
The following October, I again made my way to the conference. I assumed Scott would attend, but I was unsure if we would even recognize each other. Thinking I had been too open, maybe shared too much (I know, me?) or perhaps he had, too. I was feeling a little nervous, but also excited. As it turns out, he did remember me and I remembered him....that smile, that twinkle in his eye, captured me all over again.
This time, we stayed in touch and started seeing each other shortly after. In the end, we were both grateful that we didn't rush it, that we let time bring us back together when we were more ready for this kind of love.
My Editor, Scott, wanted to add his memory of that time in our lives:
From Scott: my recollections are very similar. I was running ragged with the pain of going through divorce and the sadness of the loss. I was also running high on the excitement of being in my element with the incredibly committed people who attended this conference in the name of making life better for kids. This would be a conference of 600 friends. One of these long-time friends and colleagues introduced me to a beautiful woman with... you guessed it... a radiant smile! I remember extended conversation in the pain zone, and a quick recognition of her heart, intellect, and ability to hear me and understand. She was going through it, too, and was one who felt deeply the pain and the desire to create a stronger, more intimate relationship in the future. But I was nowhere near ready to consider new relationships...
Like Heather, I didn't know if I would recognize her the following year, but there was that lovely blond with the crazy-bright smile. I yanked her on to the dance floor during the "hospitality" event, and the rest is... his-story and her-story.)
Heather: #lovethat
Flash forward to the year 2000, when Scott and I again stayed at the Marriott Waterfront, the night before our flight to Zihuatanejo, Mexico for our honeymoon.
The gracious staff sent the most delicious chocolate covered strawberries and a bottle of champagne to our room!
We visited this favorite spot again earlier this month, 15 years post honeymoon, as we started our 15th anniversary trip to Riviera Maya. Once again, the Marriott staff treated us like old friends. As we checked in to the modern, spacious suite (newly updated) we felt sentimental...returning to the "scene of the crime" we joked, but, more honestly, where our lives changed forever.
We visited the waterfront walkway, outdoor dining, lounge area and even the conference room where we first laid eyes on each other...This was a walk down memory lane for sure!
And yes, Marriott remembered...
We celebrated with bubbly and those amazing chocolate covered strawberries--
15 years later!!
And with that, a night down memory lane, we were off to catch a plane to Riviera Maya!
I often tell friends, who are feeling discouraged or lonely, you just never know who you might meet, and how your life may change, around that next corner--or at that conference. ;)
Cheers to the romance of travel!
Thank you to Marriott and Lenna in PR for the upgraded suite, prosecco and chocolate covered strawberries.
Marriott is clearly a brand with a heart!
